Because of social media and the internet, there is a lot of sharing going on about emotional struggles that many new parents face. You might be one of those people who shares, or you might be one of the many more people out there who keep these thoughts and feelings to themselves.

First, I want to normalize the FACT that there is a very huge range of “normal” emotions that a new parent might have. It’s very normal to feel very happy and excited about having a new baby and all the things that go along with it. It’s also very normal to feel a little bit happy but mostly confused and overwhelmed.

First, are your emotions normal?

If you are having overwhelmingly negative emotions and thoughts, it’s very important to figure out if you might have a perinatal mood disorder like Postpartum Depression or Anxiety. It might really be that you need some intervention before you can get a handle on it and start to feel more normal.

When it’s the normal stuff

The “normal” emotions you might experience related to breastfeeding are also wide-ranging. Some people find breastfeeding effortless and magical. Others really struggle with it and it becomes a source of big frustration and stress.

If you are one of those people who have an easy time with breastfeeding at the beginning, that’s wonderful! Most people don’t. I think it’s important to really enjoy this time, and you might even ask yourself why you enjoy it so much. There are a lot of reasons that it might feel like a positive experience:

• You might enjoy the closeness with your baby.
• You might like that having to stop what you’re doing to feed your baby gives you breaks that you weren’t used to having in your busy prior life. You probably can’t multitask when you’re first learning how to breastfeed, so you’re being mindful and present when you’re feeding your baby. That can feel very positive, and sometimes can even give you some insight into how much you needed that. You might even take this lesson with you as you go back to work or back to a more structured and busy life.
• Some people have a special connection with breastfeeding when conception or pregnancy or birth were especially difficult. When getting pregnant is a struggle, people might start to doubt their body’s ability to function properly. If pregnancy is complicated, you might have some of the same feelings. If birth doesn’t go as planned, you might feel like your body has malfunctioned or that you’re not capable. I don’t believe that any of these things are true, but it can be hard to convince yourself of that sometimes. But then if breastfeeding goes smoothly, it can feel like redemption. Your body worked extremely well this time, and it can feel really good to recognize and celebrate this.
• You might be very excited about this new ability that your body has to make food for someone else!
• Some people like breastfeeding because it gives them a reasonable excuse to check out! Socializing and being around people can be exhausting or stressful for many people. When you are breastfeeding, you have a reasonable excuse to go somewhere quiet to feed your baby and recharge your social battery.
• No matter what kind of birth experience you had, your body needs rest. It can be hard to get rest for a lot of reasons. You, other people in your life, or even just the cultural norms might be telling you that you should be busy and doing lots of stuff. That’s just not true. You should actually be letting your body rest and heal, because pregnancy and birth were a very big deal. Breastfeeding is often forced rest. You have to sit down or lie down to feed your baby, and especially with breastfeeding, you have to do it often and it can take a long time. You might be feeling good because you’re resting!

Breastfeeding Will Change

Whatever the reasons for your positive emotions, it’s a good thing. For most people, breastfeeding is the hardest at the beginning. For those who have a very easy time at the beginning, it’s also important to recognize that things will change. These changes might not be negative, but they can be. As your baby grows, they may develop some new habits or behaviors that make breastfeeding more difficult. The baby might decide that pinching your chest skin is fun to do while they eat. They might start thinking it’s funny to pop off the nipple every few seconds because it makes a sound or because it will spray milk. Some babies suddenly decide that they don’t want to breastfeed anymore, and it’s way before you were planning to stop. These things can usually be managed well and don’t have to mean an end to breastfeeding, but they can be obstacles to pure enjoyment and ease! You might have some feelings of frustration or confusion. It’s always good to seek help, even later in your breastfeeding journey.

When things don’t feel so good

If you’re not having an easy time with breastfeeding, it can be very difficult. There are so many potential obstacles to easy breastfeeding. A lack of education about breastfeeding might be at the top of the list. Other things include birth related medical complications, structural issues with the breast or the baby’s mouth, mother/baby separation, latch issues, positioning issues, and more. When things aren’t going smoothly, it can be very normal to have some negative thoughts and emotions.

• You might feel like your body is failing. Some people have the understanding that breastfeeding is just a basic bodily function, and it is! But just like any other bodily function, there can be problems. Sometimes digestion doesn’t work just like it should, or things interfere with our sleep. When those kinds of dysfunctions happen, we usually don’t beat ourselves up too much. We just change our habits, or get some medicine, and then we’re back to normal. Breastfeeding should be the same way, but unfortunately it usually isn’t. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding and feeling negative about your own body’s ability, please question that! It hasn’t failed, it just might need a little extra support. This is a bodily function that you’ve never used before, and it might take a little time, learning, and effort before it becomes effortless.
• You might feel like a bad parent for not liking it at first. Not everyone does like breastfeeding at first, even if it’s not especially difficult. You might be experiencing some resistance to being the ONLY one who can do this job. You might not like having to stop what you’re doing every time the baby needs to eat. It’s very normal to have some of these negative thoughts and emotions. Before you had a baby, your time and your body were your own. Now you’re having to share in a very time-consuming and intimate way! You are not a bad parent. This is just a big adjustment, and it can take time for it to feel normal.
• If you don’t like breastfeeding because of pain, it’s really important to get that checked out. It should not be painful for long. There might be some discomfort at first, but it should go away pretty quickly as long as the latch is correct and the baby is doing it right. Get some help if you are having persistent pain.
• Sometimes people have negative emotions about breastfeeding because of other people. Social pressures can really affect us, and when it’s negative, should definitely be examined and avoided. Do your friends and family members support your breastfeeding efforts? If you have people telling you it’s wrong or weird or pointless to breastfeed, and you start to believe them, it can be really hard to continue. You might feel shame or embarrassment about your choice to breastfeed and those are very negative feelings. If this is the case, and you want to continue breastfeeding, you have some options:
  • Whenever you can, find privacy for breastfeeding and do it quietly. This might avoid confrontations that are harmful.
  • You might need to minimize visits whenever possible, or avoid asking certain people to take care of your baby. Sometimes, when they are offering help, they might think they have the right to undermine your choices. Supportive family members and friends should offer help AND ask you how you want things done for YOUR baby.
  • Don’t argue. You might want to tell them why they’re wrong, but that doesn’t usually work. If they feel they have to give you their opinions, you can just listen and nod, then you don’t have to do anything else.
  • Instead, lovingly share some good information with the people who are resistant to breastfeeding. We have this great article listing many of the benefits of breastfeeding and this one about the amazing components of breast milk. You could even invite them to your breastfeeding class!
  • You can also just be very clear and direct. Setting boundaries is something that most new parents have to do at some point about something. You might tell them that you are choosing to breastfeed. You understand that they don’t agree with your choice, but it is your choice, and you need them to stop being outwardly negative or trying to undermine you, or they will not be welcome. We know they love us and want the best for us, but sometimes people just don’t know how to do that correctly. It’s a good idea to set those boundaries as soon as possible so they learn. You can do it clearly and respectfully, but it’s important to follow through. It will most likely be difficult at first, but the people who love you usually come around and end up respecting you even more for making your own informed choices. This definitely happened for me. I had some family members who thought some of my parenting choices were very strange. I told them, “I understand that might have been the right choice for you, and thank you for your advice, but I’m choosing to do it this way instead.” Years later, it was so rewarding to hear them tell me that they think I’m a great parent.

Most of the time, problems can be solved, and breastfeeding can continue more easily. Once this happens, most people feel much better about breastfeeding, and more positive overall. However, if problems persist, and breastfeeding becomes something that is causing you severe emotional distress, it’s also really important to do a risk assessment.

• Do the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh the risks to your mental health and your enjoyment of parenting? If not, then sometimes finding another way to feed your baby is the best option for you and ultimately your family.
• Is breastfeeding so important to you that you worry that your mental health will suffer more if you stop? If so, is there anything you can do to improve your situation or better manage the negative emotions? There are professionals out there trained to help you. You do not have to suffer through it.